New Rules for the Identity Police and Their TFOs
'Don't come for me unless I send for you' -- Kenya Moore Daly
Here's the thing:
When you are any kind of AND person—meaning when any part/s/ of you exist beyond the constraints and the binaries of the world we’re in—there will always be some people who have Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions (TFOs) about the ways that you exist, the ways that you look, walk, talk, and move through the world.
As a Mixed-race person, I am living that AND life. So, while there are many humans repping various kinds of AND, that is the perspective from which I’m writing here.
I call the people who insist on bombarding us with these TFO microaggressions Identity Police. Which means that they have granted themselves the authority to weigh in on, judge, and often criticize our identities, despite having no actual qualifications to do so. In fact, most dump their TFOs on us from the heights of ignorance, arrogance, and prejudicial presumption.
Some of these Identity Police have TFOs about what we call ourselves—which terminologies we use, in which order and configurations, on which days, and for what reasons. Often, they feel compelled to share—whether or not we care to receive—their TFOs. They never wait for an invitation or even any indication that we’re interested in what they’re spewing.
Truth is, these Identity Police don’t care if we find them relevant, useful, or even want to be bothered. They forge ahead, determined to tell us about ourselves.
WHO are these Identity Police? They can be neighbors, colleagues, or coworkers. They can be friends, fans, foes, significant others, and even blood kin. Yes—some family will come for our identities, including sometimes the very people who created and brought us into this world—our own parents! And thanks to social media, growing numbers of self-proclaimed “influencers” are eager to police us in the digital realm.
Crazy as it sounds, some of us Mixed folks even try to identity police each other.
The madness is never-ending.
Identity Police are defined by their obsession with patrolling and trying to control the AND in our identities. What they have in common is that they have granted themselves authority over us, often going out of their way to pontificate on how we roll. They think they can just TELL us who, what, where, when, why, and how we should be. And all of this is based on THEIR agendas which rarely have anything to do with our lives, our truths, our realities, or our well-being.
They have appointed themselves “experts” and assumed permission to ask, interrogate, and straight-up DEMAND who (they think) we should be. Sometimes they even make up identity “rules” that they try to insist we must follow.
Note that the Identity Police do this without our awareness, agreement, consent, permission, or even our participation. Some have hostile intentions, while others might be more benign, but still oblivious to their impact on our nerves. It’s possible that some even think they’re doing us a favor.
For some it seems to be a straight-up addiction.
Why?
Because they’ve decided that they know us better than we know ourselves and are therefore entitled to batter us with their TFOs.
They start with questions which, though they’re often micro aggressive, we politely answer. This usually leads to more (and increasingly invasive) queries. Which inevitably make them feel compelled to inflict their assumptions on us from their self-appointed thrones on high.
When we respond with something rational like, “Well no, that not how it is—that actually has nothing to do with my truth or my reality—that’s really not how it works at all,” they’ll often double down, determined to beat us into submission. They demonstrate zero interest in logic or truth.
So, how can we respond to their foolishness?
I start by asking: WHO are they and what is their agenda?
WHY are they so invested in me and my identity? Their reasons can vary but mostly Identity Police need to feel superior and consider us easy targets for this low-key form of bullying. They never have rational or reasonable reasons for dousing us with their questions or their TFOs.
The exception is when said person or people are in legitimate positions of authority representing systems that we must navigate with rules it is in our best interest to follow—the government, police, and airport gatekeepers at security, customs, and immigrations, etc. We know why they’re invested and even when their questions or TFOs are janky or straight-up inappropriate, we understand the context and respond accordingly.
But regular schmegular folks (including family) who feel the need to interrogate and police our identities?
That is where we have every right to draw the line!
When the Identity Police persist, we can resist!
I like to start with the following questions:
WHO are they to tell us ANYTHING about how we’re supposed to live?
Are they paying our bills, giving us thrills, or otherwise contributing to the quality of our existence?
Do their TFOs do anything to help us survive? Or thrive?
Are their TFOs designed to actually dismantle racism—or to help fan the flames?
Will entertaining or responding to their TFOs contribute to our self-care?
We can remind ourselves that it is WE, not they, who hold the only real power to determine, describe, and define our identities. Periodt.
Still, they’re gonna keep trying. Ah, but we have many ways to respond. We can:
Answer their questions in a calm, straightforward way or season our responses with snark and sarcasm
Share our truths and our own TFOs about ourselves in any way that we choose
Indulge in some clapback
Tell them off / cuss them out
Ignore them and go, unbothered, about our business
I have done—and continue to do—all of the above. And these are just a few examples. Feel free to add your own in the comments!
Most importantly, we can remind ourselves that WE alone have the power to determine when and how to share our truths, our journeys, our experiences, and any relevant interpretations of our beings with them or anyone else.
We AND people are the ones with the agency to define ourselves. And most of the time we are not required to entertain folks’ notions or respond to their TFOs.
If we do choose to entertain them, we can ask “What’s in it for me? What am I going to get out of such an exchange?”
‘Cause truth be told, most of these interactions just leave us drained, frustrated, and sometimes straight-up enraged.
And we do NOT have to tolerate the foolishness!
As Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kenya Moore Daly warned on Instagram, “Don’t come for me unless I send for you.”
These are our journeys, not theirs. Our AND is our birthright to interpret and present as we choose.
We NEVER owe the Identity Police any explanations or justifications, and they can keep their TFOs to themselves.
Here’s to supporting all AND people in making empowered choices that contribute to our sense of wholeness and well-being according to OUR truths and definitions.
As the great Black lesbian mother, warrior, and poet Audre Lorde (1934-1992) wrote: “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
Let’s honor her life and memory and our own complex realities by reclaiming our narratives, loudly and proudly proclaiming our truths, and defining ourselves on OUR very own terms.